


THE TERROR TWITTER AU (or: The Idiot I Work With.)

by caravaggiosbrushes



Category: The Terror (TV 2018), The Terror - Dan Simmons
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gay, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Twitter, James POV, M/M, Memes, Modern Era, Slash, Twitter, a little bit of swearing, a lot of capslock, dundy and james are everything here, enemies to colleagues to lovers, i love this shit, i made everyone sound silly and slightly on drugs probably, lots of Hamilton references because that’s how i live, queer james fitzjames, text fic, too many emojis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25421740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caravaggiosbrushes/pseuds/caravaggiosbrushes
Summary: James Fitzjames (@sailor_queer), Senior social media manager for @ErebusAgencyUK, is addicted to sharing a great part of his everyday life with his 6.294 Twitter followers, who mostly follow him for his #selfies, #ootd, and #Iknowaplacewhere... hashtags, but he also shares his work experiences, so when he starts a new, exciting collaboration with a new colleague hehasto live-tweet it.His followers and mutuals areveryinvested in it.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier & Commander James Fitzjames, Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames
Comments: 31
Kudos: 59





	THE TERROR TWITTER AU (or: The Idiot I Work With.)

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, this is complete CRACK AND I LOVE IT. It makes no sense. It started [like this](https://twitter.com/downeymore/status/1284100116891172866?s=19) and then some people and mutuals on Twitter seemed to share my need for this story, so I took it upon my own skinny shoulders and did my best with it.  
> It’s literally just a text fic. If you think everyone here sound silly...then I succeeded. On the other hand, I never write funny stuff, so maybe this won’t work at all, lol. Let me know maybe!   
> Enjoy and thank you so much for being here ♥
> 
> EVERYONE’S NAMES:  
> Fitzjames: @sailor_queer  
> Goodsir: @DrHenry_Goodsir  
> Le Vesconte: @Visconte_diMilano  
> Graham: @goremovienight  
> Silna: @whitespiritualist  
> Jopson: @0rchidchild   
> Little: @littlebylittle  
> Des Voeux: @des_voeuXXXL  
> Hodgson: @chatenoir  
> Hickey: @realCorneliusHickey  
> Sophia: @sophiesticated   
> Irving: @blessedbethefruit

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**6th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: Starting a big new project today! So excited. #newpossibilities

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Congrats dude! What is it about? Can you share?

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano I can only tell you that I’m going to work with this graphic designer who's been in the business for more than 15 years (can't reveal his name, but trust me: you've seen his work around. He’s THAT good.)

@sailor_queer: I’m so excited to meet this guy tomorrow! From what I’ve heard he’s a bit rough at first, but I’m sure I’m gonna soften him in no time with my irresistible charm ;) jokes aside, he’s very well known and I can hardly wait to meet him. His graphic work is insane.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Amazing! let us know what you’re creating this time, I’m sure you’ll do a dope work, as always ;)

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer That sounds great, James! I’m very excited for you :) Best of luck 🍀🍀🍀.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer You’re always top of your game & you’re gonna smash this project, babe!

  
  
  


**7th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: “Starting a big new project today! So excited. #newpossibilities“ Remember this? How naïve I was to be that excited…

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer What happened?

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight I met that guy today and he's not what I was expecting him to be, at all. He’s SO full of negative energy, I swear, I haven't even seen him smile once in the entire day. Not even out of politeness.

@sailor_queer: I know he’s good at his job, but he’s not good *at people*. At all.

@sailor_queer: Is there anything worse than working with terrible colleagues? Don’t think so. Super frustrating. Haven’t succeeded in softening this guy, not even with my usual icebreaker jokes that make everyone feels at ease. I don’t get him.

@sailor_queer: He keeps looking at me as if I was boring him out of his mind. Well, dear, if you’ve lost your joy of living and ended up hating your job, that is NOT my fault.

  
  


_Later, that same day:_

@sailor_queer: Team building meetings usually go marvellously, but this one has been *so* tedious. That guy has been complaining about our work strategy since the first minute, said we’re doing everything wrong. As if we’d know nothing about our own jobs. ffs.

@sailor_queer: And he kept staring at me with such a judgemental look, as if I didn’t know what I was talking about, AND kept interrupting me and ONLY me. wtf, honestly.

@sailor_queer: Hopefully tomorrow will be less dreadful...

  
  


_Later, still that same day:_

@sailor_queer: I mean, he complained THE ENTIRE TIME. Honestly he sounded like a petulant child who didn’t get enough attentions. Felt like he did everything in his power to make me look stupid, but GUESS WHAT, I am not. I know what I'm doing thank u very much.

@sailor_queer: (He also knows what he's doing, but that doesn't mean I'm not worthy of respect.)

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer aw James, this sucks :( perhaps he just feels out of place? You’re the master of the house after all, whilst he’s “the new kid”. Try giving him a bit of time to adjust!

  
  
  


**8th, March 2020:**

@sailor_queer: It's not getting any better. Discovered that I’ll have to work side by side with that guy ALL THE TIME. Just me and him. It makes sense, of course, since our works have to be strictly coordinated, but...ew. Just me and him...Gosh.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer What happened, man? Do I have to come and kick this idiot’s ass?

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight Aw, I wish you could. I'm tempted to do it myself tbh. He's insufferable, truly. Keeps interrupting me and saying no to this, no to that, without even offering a proper explanation or solution. Feels like he just wants to get on my nerves at this point.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Hey, you know how to do your job. Don't let this guy fool you.

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight Thanks, man ♥️ but I tell you, one glance from him and I have to remind myself I'm not a fraud.

  
  
  


**9th March, 2020:**

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer So how’s this project turning out??

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Perfectly fine, that’s working out really well! The only issue I have is with that idiot of my colleague being the sulking, looming shadow that he is, hovering over my head all day. #SMILEMORE, man.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Lameeee. Promise not to challenge him to a pistol duel, tho.

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano ...does this mean you think I’m Hamilton and he’s Burr

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Of course. Hamilton was the best between the two. What’s the problem?

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano HE GOT SHOT, HENRY. THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer DID U JUST SPOIL ME THE MUSICAL?? I’M GONNA MURDER U

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano HENRY IT’S LITERALLY HISTORY ASDFGHGKL YOU’RE AN ASS

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Now you have to get me tickets for it on Broadway. It’s the least you can do to repay the emotional damage.

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano IT’S AT THE WEST END, HENRY, I’M NOT GOING TO PAY FOR FCKING BROADWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HISTORY 

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer WHAT DO U MEAN IT’S AT THE WEST END OOOOOOOOOOOO @Lin_Manuel DID YOU KNOW

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano I seriously wonder where you live, sometimes.

  
  


_Later, that same day:_

@sailor_queer: Honestly this situation is so irritating. Not only I'm forced to work side by side with that idiot, but we also have to share the same office. Which was /my/ office, until three days ago. Incredibly disrespectful.

@sailor_queer: He doesn’t even get pop culture references. This is it, people. My time is up. I'm gonna perish from depression and lack of fun….Goodbye cruel world...Goodbye my dear 6.294 followers…. It's been a pleasure serving you all with my #ootd pics through the years.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Does this mean I can have your place as pretty-handsome-queer fashion influencer here?

  
  


**10th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: “Me: we should do this and this-”

The Idiot I Work With: “no”

Me: “o...kay. then what do you say?”

him: [ STARES AT ME IN COMPLETE SILENCE ]

Me:

him:

Me:

Literally the rest of the world:

I mean, I know I'm pretty, there's really no need to stare at me like that *hair flip*.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer The prettiest of them all, for real! 👑 also I was wondering: what does this guy look like? 👀 He sounds so bad from your description but I'm kinda curious...pic?

@sailor_queer: @sophiesticated Sophie, you queen ♥️💕💖 He looks like a sad man, that's what he looks like. No pic, sorry, I'm scared he'll notice and idk, throw my iPhone out of the window or something, since he has no sense of fun.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer ...Jesus 😳

  
  
  


**11st March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: The Idiot I Work With came at the office with some kind of weird peppermint tea and now our shared (still bitter about this) office smells like: TOOTHPASTE. Send me your good vibes, I'm gonna need them to survive this day.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer You can do it bro! just don't get too close him or his sadness will swallow you up.

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Dundy…. help me…….Dundy… I quoted LOTR and he had no idea what i was talking about...Dundy…….HE LIVES IN A WORLD WITH NO SAMWISE GAMGEE.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Bro you have my solidarity in this tough time. Also tell him you'll lend him your LOTR dvds. The extended version of course (don't tell him how long it is.)

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Bro, I did….

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer And? I bet he refused your kind offer.

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano He told me he'll think about it. I think I just made friend with the enemy? Damn, I /am/ a fraud.

@realCorneliusHickey: @sailor_queer Man does what he has to do in order to survive.

  
  


**17th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: It's only 8:30am and i'm already DONE.

@sailor_queer: My alarm didn't go off, I had to skip breakfast (my favourite meal!), grabbed the first clothes I found and only looked at myself in the mirror when I was already in the office and I hate itttt, I look like a straight businessman. EW.

@sailor_queer: AND! my favourite coffee place was closed for renovations so I'm running on NO caffeine. Can you believe this. The universe truly hates me.

@sailor_queer: The Idiot I Work With arrived with his toothpaste-minty tea again and rn I'm craving something hot to drink so much that I'm tempted to steal it away from him even if its smell makes me sneeze.

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer Craving something hot…

@sailor_queer: @des_voeuXXXL Charles, I beg you.

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer I'd brew my strongest coffee if we were together, James :( 

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer @0rchidchild Aww Thomas, you're always so thoughtful 😭😍

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild @littlebylittle Thanks man, I appreciate it! PS: you guys are SO cute. I hardcore ship you. 

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer @littlebylittle 🙈🙈

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer @0rchidchild 😳‼️‼️

  
  


_15 minutes later:_

@sailor_queer: Uhm. So… The Idiot I Work With... Just bought me coffee? 😲 [ Picture: a big coffee cup, lid still on. ]

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer Ah, that's sweet. What kind of coffee? You can tell a lot of a person from their food choices.

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir Plain black coffee, because he said he wasn't sure what I liked best, so he brought milk and sugar separately.

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer Sweet indeed. This means he's a thoughtful person who cares about other people's well being more than his own. He probably doesn't know how to ask for what you want, so he uses food to make it easier. It’s a very common way to show that you care for someone.

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir And you got all this by a single coffee order? Impressive!

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer It's one of my many hidden talents. :)

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir Oh, he also got me two apricots croissant (my favourites!!). Do you have an hidden meaning for these as well? :)

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer Depends: How did he know they are your favorites?

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir idk.

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir Actually wait, I think I might have mentioned it once, the first time I skipped breakfast: I was dreaming about having one of those croissant, so I’ve probably said it out loud and he might have heard it back then.

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer This means he’s a very attentive and observing man: one mention from you was all it took him to file that information away for later. He clearly cares about your well-being, mental and physical. That’s why he got you what in your opinion is the best of the best.

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir: Oh.

**Direct Messages between @sailor_queer and @Visconte_diMilano:**

@Visconte_diMilano: HE BOUGHT U KOFEE

@sailor_queer: He did, because I kept yawning. He said it was distracting -_-

@Visconte_diMilano: yes sure

@sailor_queer: What do u mean ‘yes sure’

@Visconte_diMilano: I mean that he bought you coffee. And he even brought you milk and sugar so that you could have your drink as similar as possible to what you normally go for.

@sailor_queer: Yes, Dundy, I know. I was there.

@Visconte_diMilano: No babe, I don't think you know: when someone buys you coffee it means SOMETHING ELSE, always.

@sailor_queer: Dundy, it's just coffee.

@Visconte_diMilano: Yeeeeeeeh but no. Consider this: it's also the action of *buying* coffee for you. The action of *leaving his office* for your sake, *spending his money* for your sake and making sure you could have a good coffee experience with your milk and sugar and whatever else he brought you- wait. You said he brought food, too?

@sailor_queer: “Coffee experience”, what are you, a life guru?? And he brought me those apricots croissants, yes.

@Visconte_diMilano: AH!!!!

@sailor_queer: “AH” what?!

@Visconte_diMilano: Coffee AND food! Do I have to spell it out for you, or can you see the bigger picture?

@sailor_queer: There is just COFFEE, NO BIGGER PICTURE.

@Visconte_diMilano: babe.

@Visconte_diMilano: he's flirting

@sailor_queer: you're crazy.

_5 minutes later:_

@sailor_queer to @Visconte_diMilano: btw why did you say he's flirting

  
  
  


**20th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: This is the fourth day in a row now that The Idiot I Work With had brought me coffee in the morning. Should I bring him something too? I don't want him to think I'm less polite than him. He’s clearly trying his hardest to overshadow me. What do y'all think?

-1: "yes, buy him something!”

-2: "nah, don't." 

-3: "yes: suggestions."

@sailor_queer: also he's upgraded: from The Idiot I Work With, he is now The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee. I think it’s only fair.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer He brought you coffee FOUR days in a row???

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight Yes, this coffee place is on his way to work, apparently. Pretty convenient.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer 👀👀👀👀

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight ?

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Nothing, nothing. Just keep your eyes open.

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight What do you mean, man? Is he trying to poison me?

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Sometimes I wonder if you’re blind.

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight Sometimes I find it hard to read you.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer #youdontsay.

  
  
  


**21st March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: Today /I/ surprised /him/ with breakfast, ah! He can't beat me at this game, I know how to be way nicer than him. I literally made him blush out of embarrassment: success!

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer He BLUSHED? The hell did you got him bro

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Just his usual minty tea with no sugar, exactly how he takes it every day! I found that place he always gets it from, so I knew I couldn’t go wrong ;)

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer This was so sweet of you, James!

@sailor_queer: @littlebylittle Sweet? No, I wanted to let him know I see what game he's playing.

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer ...Which is?

@sailor_queer: @littlebylittle Trying to be a show off, overshadowing me and my work with all those “nice” gestures, of course. That's why he keeps buying me coffee. Fool.

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer ...Right

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer [ GAY SEAL MEME ]

@sailor_queer: @des_voeuXXXL Thanks Charles, I've been aware for approximately 31 years.

@blessedbethefruit: @sailor_queer Repent. It's never too late. There are so many activities you can do to entertain yourself instead of having sinful thoughts. Give this wonderful documentary a try, for instance. God sees you, Mr J.F. [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT2ajb6aQt4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT2ajb6aQt4).

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer James, have you considered that him buying coffee for you could simply mean that? 

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild lol why would he want to buy me coffee tho. he hates me.

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer Yes… He hates you, and everyday he brings you your perfect coffee order, along with that specific type of croissants, just for you, because he doesn't get anything for himself except his tea, from what I understand.

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild Yeah idk he probably has his breakfast at home. How’s that relevant?

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer I think he’s just trying to be nice to you, James.

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild What?! Now, that’s truly impossible.

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild It makes no sense

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild I mean why would he want to be nice to me

@sailor_queer: @0rchidchild ??

  
  


**23rd March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: Today starts another week of working side by side with The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee. Send your prayers, thoughts and pictures of happy dogs, please.

@sailor_queer: He's not really an Idiot btw...He’s smart, knows a lot of stuff in his working field and I feel like it's becoming easier for us to talk. 

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer [ Four pictures: Four different dogs ] All the dogs pictures for you, James! I know it can be hard, but you're a shining star, you'll get through this day with no problem at all! :)) I'm rooting for you!

@whitespiritualist: @sailor_queer [ Picture: A big, fluffy white dog, laying across the photographer's lap. He looks asleep. He also looks awake. ] My Tuunbaq at 3 years old, for you. He was so tiny. Used to bark at everyone who tried to come too close to me. A sweetheart.

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer my prayer 4 u is that u stop tweeting about this guy. Kiss him already jimmyyy

@sailor_queer: @des_voeuXXXL ? The hell are you talking about man, I can't stand him.

@,des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE LMFAOOO

@sailor_queer: @des_voeuXXXL 🙄 this literally makes no sense, Charles.

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer YOU MAKE NO SENSE

  
  


_Evening, that same day:_

@sailor_queer: Today was surprisingly ok! I even made him SMILE, hear, hear! A miracle, truly. Thanks to @DrHenry_Goodsir's dog pictures. The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee noticed them on my iPhone and actually smiled. A big, genuine smile! Told me he loves dogs and has one of his own, he looks so cute 😌

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer He was an idiot this morning and now he's CUTE?

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano THE DOG IS CUTE DUNDY, THE DOG, NOT HIM DNFNMGMG

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer ARE YOU SURE THO BRO

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano BRO I'M SURE

**Direct Messages between @sailor_queer and @Visconte_diMilano:**

@sailor_queer: BRO WHAT IF I'M NOT SURE

@Visconte_diMilano: BRO ABOUT WHAT

@sailor_queer: ABOUT HIM NOT BEING CUTE BRO

@Visconte_diMilano: BROOOOOOOOOOOO

@sailor_queer: YEAHHHH FUCKKK

@sailor_queer: IT'S THAT SWEET CUTE LITTLE SMILE HE HAD WHILE LOOKING AT THOSE PICTURES, FUCKK

@sailor_queer: THIS IS ALL THOSE PUPPIES' FAULT

@Visconte_diMilano: YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND QUICKER THAN THE MOON BRO WTF also do u want me to call u

@Visconte_diMilano: ALSO YOU JUST CALLED HIM CUTE AGAIN. YOU CAN'T GO BACK NOW, I HAVE PROOFS.

@sailor_queer: can't call u now I’m still at the office

@sailor_queer: Btw he's not as bad as he seemed from the past few days! He's wayyyy less bitchy and he actually listens to what I have to say now? Idk what happened but he's so different, he's almost funny?

@Visconte_diMilano: that's good to know! Also can i see him

@sailor_queer: WHAT, NO

@Visconte_diMilano: why not!!!! You always show me your crushes!

@sailor_queer: I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM, HENRY

@Visconte_diMilano: u said he cute!

@sailor_queer: yeaaaah and we work together. That's it. No relationships at work. It's a rule.

@Visconte_diMilano: A shitty rule because you love to make urself suffer

@Visconte_diMilano: You should love to make urself bedded too, yknow

@sailor_queer: im blocking u

@Visconte_diMilano: bro no

@Visconte_diMilano: bro?

@Visconte_diMilano: BRO

@Visconte_diMilano: im calling the bro police

  
  
  


**27th March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: Uh. Alright, so: today has been… Something.

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer What happened, James? Bad or good?

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer Do tell us! What happened? Is it about your weird colleague? I'm so curious!

@sailor_queer: @sophiesticated @0rchidchild Both good and bad, actually. (Thread follows). 

@sailor_queer: Long story short, I had a fight with my boss, and The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee... stood up for me. I wonder if I really lived that or made it up in my mind.

@sailor_queer: I made a mistake (a tiny one) and my boss completely lost his temper about it. I've never seen him acting like that before. It was just weird at first, since he was overreacting already, but then it became *bad* and highly inappropriate. 

@sailor_queer He told me to please be, quote: "less obvious", which of course I knew what he meant (having heard that all my life), but I couldn't believe it was coming from him. So I asked what he meant and he said that me and The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee (who really, really is NOT an idiot,

@sailor_queer: but for the sake of it I’m gonna keep this name, for now) shouldn't be so close to each other, because we, quote: "give off the wrong impression, which I'm sure it's not what's happening here, right, gentlemen?" 

@sailor_queer: I was so furious I couldn't even talk. He never told me anything of the sort, it was completely out of the blue. He’s not exactly an ally (he’s kind of your typical straight-white-cis-man) but Christ, I thought him better than this.

@sailor_queer: Btw picture me there, staring at my boss, completely unable to even answer back, and that's when The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee (we really need a shorter and nicer name) steps up in front of me, points his index finger at my boss’ lunatic face and growls:

@sailor_queer: "Don’t you dare disrespect your colleagues or any other person, like that. Ever. Again." He was FURIOUS even more than me, I suspect. Positively fuming. Before my boss could say a word, Coffee kept going on, telling him he had no right to disrespect me like that, because I’m-

@sailor_queer: -one of his best employees and one of the best social media manager Coffee’s ever had the pleasure to work with (what!) and if he’ll ever try to offend me like that again he’ll got his own lawyer and have him fired in a heartbeat.

@sailor_queer: Then Coffee almost punched him asdfghjkl

@sailor_queer: The end.

@sailor_queer: Long story short I had to drag Coffee away before they could destroy each other- which I would have LOVED to see, but I didn’t want him to get in trouble because of my idiotic boss. 

@sailor_queer: He offered me a drink after that. Not coffee this time because, quote: “you look like you need something to unwind. Enough exciting stuff for today, I think”. 

@sailor_queer: So yes now I’m tipsy at the shitty bar in front of our office, sharing drinks with Coffee. Can you believe

@sailor_queer: I mean he’s not drinkingDRINKING. Been sober for 5 years now, he said. So honorable. The more I know about him, the more I admire him. He’s cool.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer omg!!!!!! James I’m so sorry about this, your boss had NO right to say those things. This is proper workplace harassment! My DMs are always open for you if you need someone to talk to ♥.

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer He’s your knight in a shining armor, coming to save you! So romantic! 😩 And I’m very sorry about what happened. Sucks so bad.

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer this is so gay im gonna throw up

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Your boss said WHAT?! BITCH I’M GONNA FIGHT HIM. @Visconte_diMilano YOU READY?

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer @goremovienight Just drop his address. I’m omw.

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer You’re at a bar with this guy and he’s not even drinking because he’s sober. He’s there simply to be with you. His need to be close to you is stronger than the discomfort of having his personal poison in front of himself. Give it a thought.

@sailor_queer: @chatenoir man imdrunkk what u talking bout

**30th March, 2020:**

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Bro you alive? You’ve never been off Twitter for two days in a row.

@goremovienight: @Visconte_diMilano @sailor_queer What if the Idiot-Coffee Guy-Whatever he calls him, has kidnapped him or something???

@des_voeuXXXL: @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer BET THEY’RE FUCKINGGGGGG

@blessedbethefruit: @des_voeuXXXL Don’t feel those feeling, Mr Des VoeuXXXL. Your sins are in plain sight, under God’s omniscience gaze. Please DM me for free resources on how to train your mind to resist those thoughts. You can heal, Mr Des VoeuXXXL.

@whitespiritualist: @des_voeuXXXL @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight James is fine. He is never been happier and safer in his life. You needn't worry. He is in very good hands.

@des_voeuXXXL: @whitespiritualist @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer SEE??????? THEY’RE FUCKINGGGGGG LIKE RABBITSSSSSS

  
  
  


**31st March, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: Hello everybody! Sorry about the absence, I have big news!

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer Babe, you’re back! What is it? Is it good? Are you alright?

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer Welcome back, James! We’ve missed you! What’s this big news? Don’t keep us waiting, now.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer There you are, you great dumbass, I thought the Coffee Idiot Colleague Whatever got you drunk and took advantage of you. Also what’s this big news 👀

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer Welcome back, James! Hope you’re doing well. :)

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer There he comes, fresh as new, while we were here worrying for him. I’ve missed you a lot already, so don’t keep us waiting, spit this news out, dude.

@sailor_queer: I’m fine, I’m fine. Never been better, tbh. The news is that……….The Idiot Who Brings Me Coffee…... Is now officially…….. My BOYFRIEND!!!!!!! 😍😍😍💕💖💘💘💗💞💐💟

@whitespiritualist: @sailor_queer I had no doubt. Kiss him before you close your eyes for the last time today, so you will dream about him during the night.

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer This is wonderful news, James! I am incredibly happy for you and him, as well, obviously! He’s very lucky to have you and I’m sure you’re equally lucky to have him. :) 

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer WTF!! I DEMAND PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF. ALSO I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU BRO you better not be shitting on us with this news because you deserve to be happy and have someone who loves you and [ redacted ] you. 😈 I’ll be waiting for u in my DMs.

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano He’s very camera shy (although he has NO reason to be, because fuck, he’s gorgeous, Henry, GORGEOUS), so no pics for now, sorry!

@blessedbethefruit: @sailor_queer I suggest you focus on some leisure activity. Learning how to use watercolors, for instance, is a good way to fight these unnatural thoughts. Here is a good example of how you can distract yourself from the sin, Mr J. F. [ https://youtu.be/0TIoiJFYxC4 ](https://youtu.be/0TIoiJFYxC4)

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer YOU GO AWAY FOR LESS THAN TWO DAYS AND COME BACK WITH A BOYFRIEND WTF JIMMY TEACH ME YOUR WAYS. ALSO FUCK, CONGRATS!! LOVE U

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer So fcking happy for you!!!!!! I wish you two all the best!

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍!! JAMES! I am overwhelmed with love and happiness for the two of you! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Best of luck! 💘

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer DROP A PHOTO! PHOTO! PHOTO! HE’S NOT REAL IF WE DON’T SEE HIM.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer [ CHANTING ] PHOTO! PHOTO! PHOTO!

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Henry, you’re a pain in the ass, but here you go, I’m only way too happy to find an excuse to kiss him again (gosh, I can’t stop doing that.) PS: he says “Who are these people? Oh, friends of yours, then by all means tell them I say ‘hi’!” So guys, my BOYFRIEND says hello and is very pleased to virtually meet you :) [ Picture: Two men kissing. Both of them are smiling, gently, happiness and giddiness clearly painted on both their faces. The ginger-haired man wears thinly framed glasses and has a hand on the other man’s cheek, to keep him as close as possible. The dark-haired man’s pointy nose is squished against the ginger-haired man soft, freckled cheek. Their smiles melt into each other. By looking at this picture, you can _feel_ their buzzing happiness. ]

  
  


**1st April, 2020:**

@sailor_queer: I really have to find a shorter name for The Idiot I Worked With Who’s Now My Boyfriend Whom I Am Totally Obsessed With. Suggestions? :)

@whitespiritualist: @sailor_queer Call him “Kuluk”. It’s going to make him feel deeply joyful.

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer I’d go for the simple “sweetheart”. Sums it up nice and easy how much he means to you. Plus, it’s cute :)

@littlebylittle: @0rchidchild @sailor_queer But Thomas, that’s what you call me…….

@0rchidchild: @littlebylittle @sailor_queer Yes, sweetheart. :)

@littlebylittle: @0rchidchild 😳!!!!!!

@chatenoir: @sailor_queer I’d suggest “mon cœur”. Sounds like he really is that, to you.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer I vote for “The Idiot I Showed My Friends Only ONCE BECAUSE I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON”. how does that sound, uh.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer (also go for ”amore”, which means “love” in Italian. Anyway you probably already know that, since you speak 52 languages. Dork.)

  
  
  
  


**( 1 year later )**

**31st March, 2021:**

@sailor_queer: Today marks my first anniversary with this incredible man, that I once was so blind to call “The Idiot I Work With”, but now he’s always “My love”, and sometimes “Sweetheart”, when we fight he’s “You Great Silly Man”, and he’s also a lot of other things that I’m not sure it would be wise to put out here 😈. Today is a good day. [ Picture: A plate stuffed with pancakes and berries, topped with maple syrup. Two joined hands can be seen close to it: one is clearly the photographer’s, the other one belongs to the ginger-haired man wearing a vintage-looking Queen t-shirt. His face is clear from every worry and he’s eating his own pancakes with his free hand, the one that’s not gently resting atop the photographer’s. His short hair is all ruffled: probably from sleep, and love. ]

@sailor_queer: We’re spending the day mostly at home: we’re finally watching LOTR together (the extended version! He’s a pro already.) and if on one hand that makes me happy, I think I’ll be more interested in watching him, instead of my favourite saga (or anything else, really).

@Visconte_diMilano @sailor_queer Happy anniversary, Jimmy! Now put your phone down and go back to bed with him, you're not allowed here for the next 10 hours. Love you man. Crush that bed. Or couch. Whatever.

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer Happy anniversary, buddy. So happy for you, you deserve it all. Ps: that Queen t-shirt? MAN HAS TASTE.

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer The happiest and loveliest of days to you both! I am so glad you found happiness in another person, James. :) It’s one of the best feelings we humans can experience.

@blessedbethefruit: @sailor_queer Please. Find your way out of this. https[ ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sophia byaFzHWOtLE ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byaFzHWOtLE)

  
  


_That same day, an hour later:_

@sailor_queer: I’m flying so high today. It’s not even my first anniversary with someone, yet it feels as if I’m experiencing it for the first time. I’m only a bit nervous about the present I got him… I’m gonna give it to him tonight, I think. Ahh!

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer What is it 👀 

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer Tell us what is it, man!

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight @Visconte_diMilano Can’t tell you, it’s bad luck! I’m feeling very superstitious about this.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer @goremovienight At least drop a hint!

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer @goremovienight @Visconte_diMilano i bet it’s a dildo

@sailor_queer: @goremovienight @Visconte_diMilano @des_voeuXXXL I can tell you its shape… It’s very small and has a hole in the middle…

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer @goremovienight @Visconte_diMilano COCK RING

@sailor_queer: @des_voeuXXXL @goremovienight @Visconte_diMilano NO, CHARLES. IT’S NOT A COCK RING....................................................FOR ONCE.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer 🔥🔥🤒😳💦

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳(😈)

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer 😳😳😳😳😳

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer This wasn't something I wanted to picture at 9:30am.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer BRO SNAPPED

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer 😳

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer (to be fair, it /did/ sound like a cock ring, from that description.)

@sailor_queer: @Visconte_diMilano Well, it’s NOT a damn COCK ring, it’s JUST a ring. Now excuse me, I am going to pass out

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer A ring?????????????? JIMMY 

@goremovienight: @Visconte_diMilano @sailor_queer FUCK MAN IS IT WHAT I THINK IT IS 

@sophiesticated: @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer OH MY GOD JAMES!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU FOR REAL

@littlebylittle: @sophiesticated @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer Wait guys I didn’t get it. what is it

@sophiesticated: @littlebylittle @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY

@0rchidchild: @Visconte_diMilano @goremovienight @sailor_queer @littlebylittle @sophiesticated SERIOUSLY??!???!?!? JAMES, PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES- I’M SURE IT’LL GO PERFECTLY WELL OF COURSE, BUT I WANT YOUR STORY 😍

@DrHenry_Goodsir: 😭 love is so beautiful.

  
  


_Some time later:_

@sailor_queer: guys

@sailor_queer: guys i

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer how did it went??

@sailor_queer: @sophiesticated i did it i asked him

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer AND????? JAMES, SPEAK.

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer @sophiesticated I’m shaking in my seat! Do tell us more, please.

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer So you askedASKED?

@sailor_queer: HE SAID!!!YES!!!!!!! well, he first said “babe what are you doing” when I got down on one knee, he looked so surprised and even more handsome than usual and I thought “/I/ did this” and then I asked and HE SAID: “there is not a single world in which I could say no to you”-

@sailor_queer: - and he got down on his knees as well to kiss me and kissed me he did while I put my ring on his finger, which is now /his/ ring, and I can’t believe how much happiness he keeps giving me, I think I may still be crying a little bit. [ Picture 1: Two joined hands, fingers entwined. The main subject of the picture is clearly the plain, elegant silver band ring with one tiny, crystal clear diamond. ] [ Picture 2: Two men kissing while smiling broadly, against each other's lips. The ginger-haired man’s face is all blushed in a deep red shade, from his neck, to his cheekbones and up to his ears. The other man has two tears streaming down his only visible cheek. You can tell it’s happy tears. They are holding hands so tightly it almost hurts to watch: it feels like stepping into something incredibly private, yet completely natural. The silver band shines on the ginger-haired man's ring finger. Both man have their eyes blissfully closed. They look like happiness itself. They look utterly in love. It feels like there is no one else in their shared world, but them. ]

@Visconte_diMilano: @sailor_queer MY BRO IS GETTING MARRIED EVERYBODY THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!WHAT'S THE COLOR CODE JIMMY I NEED TO START LOOKING FOR A SUIT ALSO YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY WTF AND YOUR MAN LOOKS DAMN FINE. ANYWAY I'M SO HAPPY FOR U ps remember that my favourite cake flavor is lemon meringue

@goremovienight: @sailor_queer fellas is it gay to think you're both hot af? also, fuck james you really did it, man. I'm so proud of you and happy for you both. Look at those smiles!

@0rchidchild: @sailor_queer 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 🌺🌹💐🌸🏵️🌻🌼

@littlebylittle: @sailor_queer this is so amazing! :D sending you both the best of wishes and a big hug.

@sophiesticated: @sailor_queer I'M CRYING MY EYES OUT JAMES I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOU'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER ALSO HE'S HOT??!!!!!! DON'T JUDGE ME I'M WEAK RN 

@DrHenry_Goodsir: @sailor_queer James, you always post a lot of selfies and you always look handsome and comfortable in your skin, but I've never seen you like this before, shining from within. I wish you the best and I already know that's exactly what you'll get from each other. ♥️

@des_voeuXXXL: @sailor_queer GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

@blessedbethefruit: @sailor_queer I have to admit...This a beautiful couple. I can see how happy they both are. Congratulations and best wishes. I never really enjoyed watercolor painting that much, anyway.

@whitespiritualist: @sailor_queer He’s your angutik now and you are his. Wonderful event, James.

  
  


**Direct Message between @** **whitespiritualist** **and** **@sailor_queer:**

@whitespiritualist: Tell Francis I said ilitannamek to him.

@sailor_queer: ...Wait. How do you know his name? I’ve never shared it here.

@whitespiritualist: I simply do. Best of luck to you both. You won't need it, but I'm giving it to you anyway. Yours will be a shining path to walk hand in hand. You will have to worry for nothing, ever. Keep him close to your heart and he will never let you walk away from his own.

  
  


_The next day:_

  
@sailor_queer: “This love of ours, you of my heart, is no light thing; / For I have seen it in the east and in the west, / And I have found it in the cloud and in the clear. (...) You are the sunset. You are the long night of peace. / And dawn is of you, a thrilling glory frightening stars.” [ Picture: In bed. A ginger-haired man, sleeping on his side, with his back towards the photographer, whose hand rests gently next to his naked, freckled back. The bedsheets are light-blue. The light is soft, gentle. Everything feels calm. Peaceful. Still. Beautiful. Safe. This is what love looks like. ]

**Author's Note:**

> \- credits to [@strangerrkid](https://twitter.com/strangerrkid) for Edward and Sophia’s names! Thanks, crozy baby ♥
> 
> \- Le Vesconte's name is @Visconte_diMilano, because I’m patriotic like that and it’s what I’d call myself if my last name would be Le Vesconte. Visconti were a noble Italian family who reigned on the Dukedom of Milan in 13-14th centuries.
> 
> \- In his last tweet, James is quoting e.e. cummings, _Reverie_ , _A translation from Sophocles’s Electra_ , in _Complete Poems_. _1904-1962_.
> 
> \- I hope I haven’t make a mess with Inuktitut language, but according to [this list of words](http://www.labradorvirtualmuseum.ca/english-inuttut.htm) Silna says “angutik” = husband, and “Ilitannamek **” = “** Greeting of old friends; nice to see you again!”. 
> 
> \- Hickey is like Pilades: has just one line, but very meaningful.
> 
> \- find it on [twitter](https://twitter.com/downeymore/status/1285547192019714048?s=20) and [tumblr](https://caravaggiosbrushes.tumblr.com/post/624252621826424832/the-terror-twitter-au-or-the-idiot-i-work-with) ♥
> 
> **-** Thanks so much to everyone on Twitter who encouraged me to do this :’) this is for you all, I hope it's not too much of a mess asdfghlk 


End file.
